The Weight of Self-Doubt as a Producer

I've been active for most of my adult life. I started hitting the gym in my teens as a way to get stronger and avoid getting my ass kicked by bullies. I went from powerlifting to gymnastics, kendo, boxing, and eventually found my way to CrossFit. Little did I know I'd be trading one ass kicking for several others.

Out of all those things, CrossFit has knocked me on my ass harder than anything else. And at 51 it doesn't get easier. There are plenty of WODs I love and just as many I hate, but the ones that make me most uncomfortable are the ones involving sandbags. They're awkward, they're heavy… and nothing reaffirms how much you can dislike them like dropping one on yourself.

If you've ever run with a sandbag, you know how much it fucking sucks. Even a 20-pound bag, which seems unassuming at first, especially if you're fit, can have you questioning your life decisions. Every meter feels longer, the weight heavier. Your back hurts, your legs turn to jelly, you're breathing like a fish out of water, and before you know it the sandbag is laughing at you like Willem Dafoe.

It keeps getting heavier. And at some point you have to decide if it's even worth finishing the WOD at all.

But if you've been doing it long enough, you know it's only temporary. Yes, in the moment, it sucks and it's uncomfortable, but you know you're not gonna die. So you keep your head down and stay as focused as you can. Sometimes you make it to the end. And sometimes you'll say "Fuck it. I'm done" because the weight is too much.

Making music can feel a lot like that.

If you haven't figured it out already, the sandbag is a metaphor for self-doubt. Just like in CrossFit, no matter how fit you get, it can still knock you on your ass. It doesn't matter how experienced you are, how many tracks you've finished, or how long you've been doing this. It's still there, still heavy, still awkward to carry. And like a WOD you hate, it shows up when you least expect it.

But the thing most people don't realize is: YOU get to decide how heavy that sandbag gets to be.

Finishing music isn't a WOD you win by being the best or the fastest. The win is simply finishing. That's the whole point. To challenge yourself, to see what you're made of, to feel what it's like to push through something uncomfortable and come out the other side.

The self-doubt doesn't disappear, but you can make it weigh less. You do that by recognizing it, respecting it for what it is, and reminding yourself it's only temporary. Same as the sandbag. Same as the god-awful burning in your legs at 800 meters when you've got 200 left to go.

That's how you get stronger at finishing music. Not by waiting until it feels easy. Just by showing up and moving forward. One meter at a time. –

If you're wondering what showing up actually looks like on a practical level, start here.